Amy's Story: Sending the Wrong Messages

It has been my issue for years that I in some situation such as PMS would become a monster in front of the kids. I've tried so many different ways to change or to delete it completely. Because it didn't has the same mission with my goal to become a nice yet good mother for my kids.

Until one day, I screamed at Malika, yelling at her, asking her the reasons she kept doing things that made me upset . Why did I put her in front of the bthroom. But Malika was just in her silence, staring at me with her big eyes, making me even more angry. And really wanted to make her cry and knowing that it wouldnot change anything than adding another lousy noise to your head.

I was asking myself, she always does this. I mean, did she understand the word 'why'? Even Safir could answer it before he reached two years old. How come she never get the point? She is three years old!

She is only three years old. My other side said with its lazy tone. Damn.

If there is anyone to blame, that it was me. It always me.

Suddenly I felt itch on my head. I tried to breath deeper and slowly. OK, it's time to change the strategy.

After everything calmed down, well me precisely, I asked Malika to have a conversation with me. I couldn't do this alone though I insisted not to live with my parents nor using a nanny. It was just me and the kids, so I let the kids participate.

On the second tought, I don't really want to be a perfect nice mother. I even don't know how to imagine that. I want my kids to see how their mother could fixed herself and growth. Because that's what life is about. You're making mistakes and then you learn from it and become a better person after. Hopefully.
So, that night, while lying down on bed, I asked Malika what did she feel when I get angry. She didn't answer.
I asked another question, why did she never answer me. She didn't open her mouth.

"Are you scared or angry?"
"Scared," she answered whisperly.

OK, one thing that I don't need from my kids is the fact that they are afraid of me. I need to repair this situation. I've sending them the wrong message.

Then I explained, that everytime she didn't answer me, her big staring eyes were making me more angry. "Whenever you scared, tell me and I won't get angry anymore."

She nodded at that time.

And after that night, she is being more vocal that she used to be. She gave lots of reasons which sometimes could be annoying. It is better to have an argue situation rather than a one side yelling. And if she has lost reasons, she will asking sharply, "am I not allow to say anything?"

At that time, I usually hold myself to ask her shut her mouth. Talk, girl. Don't be like me. Say whay you want to say. Don't keep it inside, like me. Or you will suffer the rest of your life. You will learn to talk wise earlier.

She dares to remind me whenever I get angry, in a soft and hard ways. She will be the one that defense her little brother when I feel upset with him. And Safir does the same after looking at his sister. He will be the one that screamed out loud when I began to yell at Malika. And sometimes when I tickled Malika, he will try to separate us. He tought I would hurt his sister.

Well, Malika still needs to learn more about being brave and being unpolite. It's a progress. So do I. At least now I have a human brake, untill I can disfunction my monster mode off.

But there are lots of homeworks that I need to be done while the kids is growing faster than my progress. The bigger they are, the mere challenges that I need to face. Truly, being a parents is the hardest work of all. And you can't expect big salaries or any other compliment. All you need to do is pray and keep doing your best. May our kids will be protected from any bad things inside and outside their home. May God keeps them safe.